| Using Movies to Transform 
              Grief  A 3-Step Process for Healing 
             by Birgit Wolz, Ph.D., M.F.T. 
             A Sufi master once said: "If you think your 
              work in life is finished and you are still alive, it isn't." 
              What this simple statement acknowledges is that no matter 
              how we manage our lives they will always be beset by challenges, 
              which can often be difficult and painful. The trick is this: 
              how to avoid becoming unbearably burdened and wounded by them? Though life may feel precarious at times, 
              it is also made up of a series of wonderful events: we are 
              hired for the job we've always wanted, the man or woman of 
              our dreams falls head over heals in love with us, a child 
              is born. Life is good. Finally, we find ourselves just where 
              we want to be. Things seem perfect and settled. Somewhere 
              in our heart, we know they will remain this way forever.  But life by definition is a constant series 
              of changes. Change is inevitable, permanence, an illusion. 
              In fact, if our secret desire for permanence ever were fulfilled, 
              the result would be akin to death. "Happily" life refuses 
              to let us to forget this fact for long. Crises often seem to happen to us just when 
              things are going their best. Just when we feel we've finally 
              "gotten it right" our bubble of bliss bursts. The thing we 
              thought would never happen to us happens. And in the empty 
              aftermath, our future seems not only unclear and uncertain, 
              it looks completely unacceptable. Be it the death of a parent, a divorce, the 
              loss of an important job, a serious illness or disability, 
              this change can be a psychological cataclysm. Suddenly nothing 
              seems fixed or stable any more. We feel deeply hurt and disoriented, 
              as if our very emotional survival is at stake. It seems there 
              is no way we can possibly bear the pain. At such times it's 
              easy to wonder if we will ever find the hope necessary to 
              continue on and heal our wounds or will we be emotionally 
              crippled for the rest of our life. Such fears can even be aroused by smaller, 
              everyday disappointments. Somebody rear-ends our car, we miss 
              a plane, critical computer data is lost. Plans get changed, 
              promises get broke, no one avoids learning what it means to 
              loose in the game of life. As a result we can easily become 
              sad or angry. Our future can seem bleak and dark. If a string 
              of such losses runs on for a while, we might despair of ever 
              seeing a brighter future. At such times the important question 
              to ask is how do we go about each death of these individual 
              expectations without giving in to the death of our spirit? Step 1. -- Changing Negative BeliefsSurprisingly, the crux of our healing lies 
              in the very act of asking our self this crucial question. 
              The first step is to look closely at the story we tell our 
              self about our self. What explanation do we hold for our seemingly 
              unending struggle with loss and disappointment? Becoming conscious 
              of these explanations or negative beliefs about our self can 
              put us on the road to healing and growth. These negative beliefs can take many forms 
              but typically they fall into one of the following three categories: 
              I am suffering because I'm a "victim."If it hurts, it must be good for me.I deserve this pain because I made 
                mistakes. Such beliefs can actually injure us if we 
              accept them. They can make us deeply depressed or anxious. 
              Therefore we need to examine our beliefs about our self and 
              if we find we hold some version of these beliefs, we must 
              change them. But sometimes, such beliefs can be so deeply 
              ingrained in our view of the world we don't even know they 
              are there. The first step to changing them is to become aware 
              of them. One way to accomplish this is to look at the 
              feedback you are already probably receiving. Think back through 
              your life carefully. Perhaps friends have talked to you about 
              this belief and told you that it is distorted and untrue. 
              Perhaps your own intuition has given you similar messages. The following is an exercise I sometimes give 
              my clients to assist them in examining ingrained negative 
              beliefs about themselves. Exercise 1. Negative Belief Cost-Benefit 
              Analysis 
             If you find you hold a negative, self-defeating 
              belief about yourself and would like to learn how to let go 
              of it, start by investigating its advantages and disadvantages. 
              Use this form to guide you. If you find you have more than 
              one negative belief, start with the most obvious, then repeat 
              the process for the others. 
               
                | Name 
                    the belief you want to change: |   
                | Advantages 
                    of believing this: | Disadvantages 
                    of believing This: |   
                | If 
                    you could believe something else, it would be: |  You may discover that there are some important 
              reasons why you have held on to your negative belief(s). But 
              those reasons, no matter how right they may feel, don't make 
              the negative beliefs true. Whenever one of them pops up in 
              your mind again, remember why it is there, and let it gently 
              go. Try weighing it against the alternate belief you entered 
              in the bottom box. Open your mind to the possibility that 
              the alternate view may be a truer representation of your reality. 
              Be patient. By continually questioning yourself about your 
              negative beliefs and weighing them against more positive explanations 
              for your lot in life, change is possible. But change won't 
              take place overnight. Like moving into a new house or city, 
              changing your beliefs about yourself may take some getting 
              used to. Asking the right questions can be a crucial first 
              step toward learning to live a fuller, more rewarding life 
              despite your losses and disappointments. Step 2. -- Processing GriefAfter examining how your mind reacts to loss, 
              an important second step is to examine how your body reacts 
              as well. You need to understand how you grieve. First, open 
              your mind to the idea that grief is a necessary part of any 
              healthy human life. Consider the following facts: 
              Grief is an inevitable part of living.Grief is a natural consequence of small 
                or large losses and disappointments.Though we share common grief reactions, 
                each person's experience of loss and grief is unique.Grief can appear in different kinds of 
                emotional experiences, such as sadness, depression, despair, 
                anger, irritability, frustration and more. Underneaththese 
                feelings usually lies a hurt about someone or something 
                we need to let go of, to detach from.Grief - whether it's about small or large 
                losses - is a process that unfolds naturally when we become 
                aware of this underlying pain. Grieving can become a healing 
                and even transformative process when we acknowledge, 
                experience, and express this pain with a compassionate heart. For some, grieving comes naturally. But for 
              others, grief is like a strange and frightening landscape, 
              seldom if ever visited. If it feels like grief is unnaturally 
              difficult for you, there are many ways to support the grieving 
              process, such as counseling with a therapist, joining a support 
              group, talking to a good friend, reading a book about your 
              specific struggle, sitting in meditation or taking a walk 
              in nature.  Another method you may not have considered 
              is to watch a movie with conscious intent. You may be surprised 
              at how a simple movie viewing experience can help dissolve 
              blocked up emotions and aid us in exploring our grief with 
              compassion, especially if done with the proper "set and setting". Exercise 2. Learning to be with Your 
              Pain in a Compassionate Way Watching a sad movie can be a powerful catalyst. 
              If you feel you need to get more in touch with your pain about 
              a loss or disappointment and have a good cry, try watching 
              a movie with conscious awareness. Preparing for each viewing session is critical. 
              Sit comfortably. Let your attention move effortlessly, without 
              strain, first to your body then to your breath. Simply inhale 
              and exhale naturally. Follow your breath in this innocent, 
              watchful way for a while. Notice any spots where there's tension 
              or holding. As you grow aware of them, let your breath travel 
              into these spots. To release tension you may experiment with 
              "breathing into" any part of your body that feels strained. 
              Never force your breath. Your gentle attention is sufficient to help 
              you become more present and balanced, as it spontaneously 
              deepens and corrects your breathing if it is constricted. 
              Experience your condition          
              without inner criticizing or comment. If you notice yourself 
              judging or narrating, simply listen to the tone of your inner 
              dialog as you come back to your breath. Lay aside all judgments 
              and worries.  As soon as you are calm and centered, start 
              watching the movie. Most deeper insights arrive when you pay 
              attention to the story and to yourself. While viewing, bring 
              your inner attention to a holistic bodily awareness (felt 
              sense). This means you are aware of "all of you" -- head, heart, 
              belly, etc. Occasionally, you might notice your breathing 
              from an inner vantage point -- from your subtle, always-present 
              intuitive core. Observe how the movie images, ideas, conversations 
              and characters affect your breath. Don't analyze anything 
              while you are watching. Be fully present with your experience. Choose a movie you watched before, one 
              that you remember moved you deeply. If none come to mind, 
              visit http://www.cinematherapy.com for a list of suggestions. Make yourself very comfortable at home and 
              let yourself cry as much as you like. Allow your heart to 
              open up. By feeling compassion with the characters' pain, 
              you might develop compassion with your own struggle. As you 
              watch the film, keep in mind the above guidelines for conscious 
              movie viewing. If you don't want to be by yourself, invite 
              a trusted friend to watch the movie with you and talk about 
              your feelings afterwards. Immediately following the film: without 
              interrupting your stream of consciousness, write about your 
              feelings. The film's story and your reaction to it may be 
              important, but focus your writing as much as possible on the 
              loss or disappointment you suffered in real life, and your 
              reaction to that. This process is an important step toward owning 
              our pain and deeply understanding its dimensions and demands. 
              Grieving is necessary so that we eventually come to find the 
              deeper meaning of what might otherwise destroy us. By opening 
              to our pain we learn that we can grieve and live at the same 
              time. Step 3. -- Transforming toward health 
              and wholenessAn ancient people tell the story about an 
              elder who was talking to his disciples about tragedy. The 
              elder said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my 
              heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, despairing one. The 
              other wolf is the strong and hopeful one." And the disciples 
              asked, "Which one will win the fight in your heart, the despairing 
              one or the hopeful one?" The wise elder answered, "It depends 
              on which wolf I feed."  We need to feed the hope that can grow out 
              of despair. At the same time, we need to stay in the struggle, 
              whatever our situation, until it is transformed into new life. No one comes out of deep suffering the same 
              kind of person they were when they went into it. It is possible, 
              of course that we come out of it worse than when we went in. 
              Grief can sour us. But it is equally possible, if we reflect 
              on our pain, to come out stronger and wiser than when our 
              suffering began. What is not possible, however, is to stay 
              the same. One way or the other, struggle is guaranteed to 
              change us.  As much as our struggle with pain sometimes 
              seems to be a mystery, it can also be a gift. The changes 
              it brings in us can be a call to conversion, to grow up. Our 
              struggle with grief can be the springboard for a healing transformation. We usually think about hope as being grounded 
              in the future. This is what I call "wishful" hope. But there 
              is another kind of hope -- one fulfilled in the future but 
              born from fully remembering our past. I call this kind of 
              hope "transformative."  Unlike "wishful" hope, this other kind of 
              hope depends on our ability to remember that we have survived 
              everything in this life so far, and because of that, odds 
              are we will be able to master this latest challenge too. Transformative 
              hope is not a denial of reality; it is not a matter of waiting 
              for things outside of us to get better. Instead, it 
              focuses our energy on getting better inside by taking 
              a series of small actions that transform darkness into light. 
              No longer is hope a hedge against suffering, now suffering 
              is the foundation for our hope. Many movies have been made that begin in despair 
              and end in triumph. These films can help you get in touch 
              with this kind of transformative hope. If you can identify 
              with characters trapped in their circumstances, and share 
              their disappointments as well as their unsteady steps toward 
              liberation, you may find reason for optimism in your own situation. 
              You can gain the courage to do what is necessary to change 
              your reactions to loss. Let yourself get inspired to learn 
              how to survive grief it without succumbing to it, how to bear 
              struggle without being defeated but rather to be transformed 
              by it. Below is a series of four exercises aimed at 
              awakening this sense of transformative hope. Perform the exercises 
              after watching a film you chose specifically for its modeling 
              of transformative qualities. Look for and focus on strength, 
              courage, endurance and determination in the main characters. 
             A good example of one such film is "Frida," based 
              on the 1983 book by Hayden Herrera, a biography of the iconic, 
              passionate, communist, bisexual Mexican painter, Frida Kahlo. 
              As with many films and stories, the values and beliefs of 
              the main characters in "Frida" may differ from yours but try 
              to view it as an opportunity to "step inside another person's 
              shoes". However your lifestyle may differ from that of the 
              film's main characters, it is, nonetheless, a good example 
              of how pain and disappointment can transform a life. Analysis of the Movie "Frida" The movie "Frida" shows the many big challenges 
              the woman faces with strength and courage throughout her life 
              of 47 years. She grows up in Mexico City, at a time when it 
              was teeming with famous exiles like Leon Trotsky. In her family 
              "It was with great difficulty that a livelihood was earned" 
              and her parents have a relationship filled with conflict. 
              Despite financial constraints, she demonstrates what in her 
              time and culture is an unusual confidence, by going to school 
              to become a doctor.  Frida's studies are cut short by a horrific 
              traffic accident that almost kills her. A trolley crash shatters 
              her back, pierces her body with a steel rod and leaves her 
              with several broken bones in her spine and pelvis, a broken 
              collarbone, several broken ribs, a broken leg and foot. While 
              recovering in bed, her young lover leaves her. Frida goes 
              through anguish and despair. Isolated in a cast in bed -- "Bored 
              as hell," she recalls -- she begins to paint. Throughout her 
              life Frida has multiple surgeries and is never free of pain. 
              For long periods she has to wear a body cast and suffers from 
              multiple medical complications.  As the trolley crashes plays out on screen, 
              the director cuts to a shot of a bluebird flying out of Frieda's 
              hand. Later, in another instance of "magic realism," a gold 
              leaf falls earthward, lighting on her cast. These elements 
              of magic realism suggest how Frida, through art and imagination, 
              found the strength to live despite her constant pain. She 
              paints with the same bold courage that helps her to survive. 
              Art transforms both Frida and her pain. 
               Feeling better, Frida falls in love and marries 
              her mentor, the muralist Diego Rivera. Rivera is already a 
              legend when she meets him. Frida, who had been such a serious 
              student and confident young woman, is suddenly completely 
              dependent on her husband, painting almost exclusively for 
              him. And this, once again, causes her pain that gets reflected 
              in her art: most of her paintings from this time show Frida 
              either alone or with Diego. His work dwarfs the scale of her 
              paintings, overshadows them. But slowly, with much endurance, 
              she rises out of that shadow as her own works begin to garner 
              recognition.  At the beginning of their relationship Frida 
              tells Diego Rivera she expects him to be "not faithful, 
              but loyal." Both view fidelity as "bourgeois." But both 
              also know the green passion of jealousy, and both have a double 
              standard -- though each has affairs, they blame the other for 
              theirs. As if Frida's physical wounds aren't enough, Rivera's 
              extramarital affairs, especially with Frida's sister, make 
              her marriage a great source of ongoing pain.  The film shows how Frida uses bodily wounds 
              in her art to suggest these psychic injuries. The greater 
              the pain she wishes to convey -- especially pain caused by 
              rejection from Diego -- the bloodier her paintings become. 
              The peculiar intensity of her paintings suggests that they 
              are therapeutic, crucial to the artist's wellbeing. Many of 
              her paintings are linked in the film to the specific emotional 
              event that served as the catalyst for the painting. Both, Frida and Diego eventually demonstrate 
              emotional endurance and a willingness to discover whom the 
              other person is as well as discovering their own true identity. 
              When the film ends with Frida's death, the impression remains 
              that despite the many crises in her life, she never lost her 
              passion and remained full of courage to be who she was, take 
              life as it came, even the suffering. Choose a film you've already seen, one that 
              touched you when you saw it the first time, one that has characters 
              who undergo this kind of transformation. It is not crucial 
              that the plot matches your situation exactly. More important 
              is that you get a sense of the strength that the characters 
              find in themselves that helps them prevail. Focus on this 
              aspect of the film. The following list might refresh your memory 
              or give you some ideas about a movie to choose: Groundhog Day: a cynical TV reporter 
              (Bill Murray) is transformed by his experiences after he is 
              caught in a time warp. Shine:  a brilliant but broken pianist 
              (Geoffrey Rush, Noah Taylor, Alex Rafalowicz) overcomes a 
              long-standing mental breakdown with help from his friends 
              and an understanding lover (Lynn Redgrave). Out of Rosenheim (Baghdad Caf?): 
              a down-and-out desert caf? owner and her "family" are transformed 
              by the magic of an overweight and irrepressible German tourist 
              (Marianne Sūgebrecht) suddenly stranded in their midst. Kramer vs. Kramer: divorc?s (Dustin 
              Hoffman and Meryl Streep) find that the custody battle over 
              their child brings them to a healing understanding of themselves 
              and each other. Ordinary People: a suicidal teen's 
              (Timothy Hutton) struggle to overcome his survivor's guilt 
              forces his suburban family to come to grips with their stifling 
              roles. A Town Like Alice: a young Aussie 
              (Bryon Brown) man falls for a British nurse when both are 
              POW's in Japanese occupied Malaysia. The man is apparently 
              tortured to death for aiding the nurse, but years later the 
              two are reunited in the Australian outback only to face new 
              hardships as they rekindle their love and accept their very 
              different expectations. Norma Rae: a young widow (Sally Field) 
              rises above her impoverished circumstances and against stiff 
              opposition to lead fellow textile factory workers in efforts 
              to unionize. On Golden Pond: a patriarch (Henry 
              Fonda) and his family heal ancient hurts when a lifetime of 
              stifled emotions erupts during a traditional summer holiday. My Left Foot: a marvelously gifted 
              but horribly handicapped Irishman (Daniel Day Lewis) overcomes 
              cerebral palsy, learning write with the only part of his body 
              that unscathed by his wasting disease, his left foot. Further examples can be found at cinematherapy.com. Whichever film you choose, watch it with conscious 
              awareness as explained above. After you have finished watching 
              the movie, take a couple of deep breaths and let the impressions 
              of the film help you with the following exercises. Exercise 3. Acceptance 
             In order to heal and transform we need to first 
              accept ourselves: admit that we are wounded. We need to take 
              powerlessness and reclaim it as surrender. We need to take 
              vulnerability and draw out of it the freedom that comes with 
              self-acceptance. Our strength and hope lies in the acceptance 
              of our limitations. In the acceptance of our limitations we 
              become, ironically, a fuller self.  Without interrupting your stream of consciousness, 
              write about how these thoughts relate to you and your own 
              struggle. Exercise 4. Small Acts of Courage in 
              Spite of Fear Though fear can paralyze the spirit it also 
              calls us to the access one tiny act of courage to keep hope 
              alive. These acts can start put us back in control of our 
              lives. We need to take fear and move it into courage. Did 
              you see a character in the film take some small acts of courage 
              in spite of fear? Have you done this in the past?  Without interrupting your stream of consciousness, 
              describe how you felt when you did this and how it helped 
              you prevail. Exercise 5. Determination and Endurance It is ironically the very process of responding 
              with determination to each element in struggle that nourishes 
              hope. We need to face the exhaustion struggle brings and endure 
              to the end. We need not to give in to the thing that defeated 
              us. We need to refuse to give up, either on ourselves or on 
              the world around us. Endurance is the light of hope in a continuing 
              darkness that must somehow some way give way to the light 
              of dawn. Endurance makes transformation imperative. Did you 
              see examples in the film, which show that determination and 
              endurance helped certain characters get stronger? Have you 
              experienced this in the past? Without interrupting your stream 
              of consciousness, describe your experience and how it could 
              apply to your current situation and potential future. Exercise 6. Transformation Struggle with loss and disappointment can scar 
              us, but it can vitalize us too. A hole we feel inside us needs 
              to be filled with something better. Out of all this can come 
              new strength, a new sense of self, new compassion, and a new 
              sense of the very purpose of our life. There are some parts 
              of the human character that are best honed under tension. 
              The hard thing to understand is that it is the becoming that 
              counts, not the achievements or the roles in which we manage 
              to mantle ourselves.  Struggle can transform us from our small, puny, 
              self-centered selves into people with compassion. It not only 
              can heal us; it can make us healers as well. For this to happen 
              we need to learn to listen better. We cannot walk quickly, 
              so we learn to wait.  Did you see examples in the film, which show 
              this kind of transformation? Have you experienced this in 
              the past? Take a couple of slow breaths and listen inwardly. 
              Without interrupting your stream of consciousness, describe 
              your experience and how it could apply to your current situation 
              and potential future. Further Reading Bauman, Harold (September 2000) How I 
              Live Through Grief: Strength and Hope in Times of Loss. 
              Babour & Co Heavilin, Marilyn Willett (March 1998) Roses 
              in December: Finding Strength Within Grief. Eugene, 
              OR: Harvest House Lewis, C.S. (Febuary 2001) A Grief Observed. 
              San Francisco, CA: HarperSanFrancisco Levy, Naomi (September1999) To Begin 
              Again: The Journey Toward Comfort, Strength, and Faith in 
              Difficult Times. New York, NY: Ballantine Lunche, Howard J. (1999) Understanding 
              Grief: A Guide for the Bereaved. Berkeley, CA: SVL Press Colgrove, Melba and McWilliams, Peter (November 
              1993) How to Survive the Loss of a Love. Los Angeles, 
              CA: Prelude Press Romanyshyn, Robert D. (October 1999) The 
              Soul in Grief: Love, Death and Transformation. Berkeley, 
              CA: North Atlantic Books Schneider, John M. (January 1994) Finding 
              My Way: Healing & Transformation Through Loss & Grief. 
              Colfax, WI: Seasons Press Talia de Lone, Susan Ph.D., Columbus, Marge 
              (Editor) (September 1998) Love, Loss & Healing: A Woman's 
              Guide to Transforming Grief. Sibyl Publications Tatelbaum, Judy (October 1994) The Courage 
              to Grieve. New York, NY: Harper & Row Westberg, Granger E. (1974) Good Grief: 
              A Constructive Approach to the Problems of Loss. Philadelphia, 
              PA: Fortress Press   
 Birgit Wolz wrote the following continuing education online courses; Cinema Therapy - Using the Power of Movies In the Therapeutic Process, which guides the reader through the basic principles of Cinema Therapy.  Cinema Therapy with Children and Adolescents - This course teaches Cinema Therapy with young clients. It includes numerous movie suggestions, which are categorized according to age and issues. It serves therapists, teachers, and parents. Positive Psychology and the Movies: Transformational Effects of Movies through Positive Cinema Therapy - This course teaches how to develop clinical interventions by using films effectively in combination with positive psychotherapy. It serves for mental health practitioners and anybody who is interested in personal growth and emotional healing.   Therapeutic Ethics in the Movies - What Films Can Teach Psychotherapists About Ethics and Boundaries in Therapy, which covers: confidentiality, self-disclosure, touch, dual relationships and out-of-office experiences (i.e., home visits, in-vivo exposures, attending a wedding, incidental encounters, etc.) Boundaries and the Movies - Learning about Therapeutic Boundaries through the Movies, which covers informed consent, gifts, home office, clothing, language, humor and silence, proximity and distance between therapist and client, and, finally, sexual relations between therapist and client.  DSM: Diagnoses Seen in Movies - Using Movies to Understand Common DSM Diagnoses. Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual (PDM) - A New Approach to Diagnosis in Psychotherapy
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